For a moment I was at a loss for words
I was watching a film that reminded me of my relationship with my mother
Then I went to Facebook and saw a video promoting a company I once wanted to work for
I feel feelings of aniexty and I'm trying to figure why
I start to feel sadness and I realize that the two role model "mother" figures that I looked up to have turned away from me due to money.
Money is just a source of energy. You can use it for good or you can use it for selfishness.
At least one of the women I looked up to that wasn't isn't hounding me, sadly she's not blood related.
But she still speaks and serves a different crowd..
The sadness comes from conditional love.
I don't believe in conditional love.
I wonder sometimes if I practice it.
I fight to disconnect from my negative roots and feel guilt when I do what's right for me.
I feel sadness when I can't be connected to people I once felt bonded with.
However, I can not stay connected to people that don't have the same belief system as me.
That value money over humanity.
So I guess I will never be rich, I won't be a part of the elite because I can't feel satisfaction from material gains.
I can be satisfied being responsible, and giving but it all back fires when I meet greed.
Greed greats me with its temping smile and kind words until I do not bend
Then truth comes out with sweet and savory words of denial
How can you preach one thing and practice another with a clean conscious
People do it, everyday
Celebrities sell us lies and poisonous foods
Actors pretend to be doctors to sell us addictive pharmaceuticals
Mothers tell us to get married to get taken care of
Everyone is out to try to sell our soul
And me
I just want to capture beautiful moments, wondrous spirits through the image of ART
I just want to be accepted for being silly, sober, and childish in a playful way
I just want to be me and be loved unconditionally
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
MY LIFE JOURNEY IS TO BE OUTSPOKEN
Life's journey is different for every person.
As a child I was very outspoken, that trait came and went; and for a good portion of my life I didn't do much speaking at all.
Someone would say something that offended me or hurt my feelings and I would hold on to it. Hold back what I wanted to say or expressing my feelings.
I would try and accomplish something that fell threw and I would hold on to it.
My journey is letting go.
Recently I have given up my apartment and all of my belongings.
I was planning to go to a festival in Utah and put my number up on a travel board for a ride.
The first reply was an older Iranian Gentleman. I started our conversation letting him know I'm not interested in hanging out with any expectations. He clarifies by asking if I mean sex and I say YES. He offered to help me in my move when he heard my story. Some people offer help only to serve their own agenda. He agenda was to cure loneliness.
He was little help to me trying to push us to leave for the gathering. So I used my voice and told him to go on his way. I had an entire 1 bedroom to pack up and try and sell for this journey and I couldn't let anyone get into my way. He was very cool about everything. In the two days he was with me he was very helpful. he took down my pole and bookcase but its the conversation that spoke a red flag.
He wanted to cuddle and get affection and I wasn't willing to share that side of myself with him. I said I wanted to be like a daughter and his cool calm demeanor quickly turned to one of panic.
If we take time to speak our truth we can find out who other people are quickly.
If we take time to listen to what people say we find out what their intention is.
We can not put the fear of rejection from a stranger above the love we have for ourselves.
There are several things that happened in this week of moving but I just got to settle and my body needed rest and food.
While I'm eating at the current place I stay (with a girlfriend in HB,CA)
I tell my friend I need food. She says she's not eating because of what she say in the mirror at old navy trying on clothes. I start to preach about how you can't starve yourself and loose weight. I told her I would feed myself just walk. She insisted that she take me to the store so I take the ride and thankfully end up feeding us both. When we come back to her house her dad and brother are here to help fix the computer. We are eating in the living room when her dad gets up and says "what are you girls doing? eating like a bunch of fat cows in here?"
I totally unload. Telling him that we are sustaining our bodies with food. That its necessary to eat and that saying that was rude and that's why women have complexes about what to eat, how to eat, and how much to eat. I finished by saying that I'd be happy to accept an apology whenever he is ready.
He never apologies. Instead sits quietly for the rest of the time here.
Once again I used my outspoken opinion to speak up for the both of us. I don't feel bad about my body, nor do I want to. I am happy. I am strong. I have a little belly and big hips and I wanted to be respected as a woman in this world regardless of what I choose to where eat and do with my life.
And I will not hold on to other peoples baggage. Whether it be fear of commitment to behave differently or making others feel crappy because we feel crappy. I don't want any of that energy with me and I will dig it out like a weed in my beautiful garden.
Life never gives you a journey without many lessons. Life's true discovery is living to be WHO WE ARE> whether its a little outspoken, shy, brave, loving, giving. If we find our self we can find people like us and with that we find people unlike us. Everyone is on their own point of their own journey and we must love them or leave them. We either hang with weights or wings in our lives and part of the puzzle is to figure who these people are because many times they come pack neatly within our family. Its always very gratifying to be the one breaking the vicious cycles of hate fueled by fear.
As a child I was very outspoken, that trait came and went; and for a good portion of my life I didn't do much speaking at all.
Someone would say something that offended me or hurt my feelings and I would hold on to it. Hold back what I wanted to say or expressing my feelings.
I would try and accomplish something that fell threw and I would hold on to it.
My journey is letting go.
Recently I have given up my apartment and all of my belongings.
I was planning to go to a festival in Utah and put my number up on a travel board for a ride.
The first reply was an older Iranian Gentleman. I started our conversation letting him know I'm not interested in hanging out with any expectations. He clarifies by asking if I mean sex and I say YES. He offered to help me in my move when he heard my story. Some people offer help only to serve their own agenda. He agenda was to cure loneliness.
He was little help to me trying to push us to leave for the gathering. So I used my voice and told him to go on his way. I had an entire 1 bedroom to pack up and try and sell for this journey and I couldn't let anyone get into my way. He was very cool about everything. In the two days he was with me he was very helpful. he took down my pole and bookcase but its the conversation that spoke a red flag.
He wanted to cuddle and get affection and I wasn't willing to share that side of myself with him. I said I wanted to be like a daughter and his cool calm demeanor quickly turned to one of panic.
If we take time to speak our truth we can find out who other people are quickly.
If we take time to listen to what people say we find out what their intention is.
We can not put the fear of rejection from a stranger above the love we have for ourselves.
There are several things that happened in this week of moving but I just got to settle and my body needed rest and food.
While I'm eating at the current place I stay (with a girlfriend in HB,CA)
I tell my friend I need food. She says she's not eating because of what she say in the mirror at old navy trying on clothes. I start to preach about how you can't starve yourself and loose weight. I told her I would feed myself just walk. She insisted that she take me to the store so I take the ride and thankfully end up feeding us both. When we come back to her house her dad and brother are here to help fix the computer. We are eating in the living room when her dad gets up and says "what are you girls doing? eating like a bunch of fat cows in here?"
I totally unload. Telling him that we are sustaining our bodies with food. That its necessary to eat and that saying that was rude and that's why women have complexes about what to eat, how to eat, and how much to eat. I finished by saying that I'd be happy to accept an apology whenever he is ready.
He never apologies. Instead sits quietly for the rest of the time here.
Once again I used my outspoken opinion to speak up for the both of us. I don't feel bad about my body, nor do I want to. I am happy. I am strong. I have a little belly and big hips and I wanted to be respected as a woman in this world regardless of what I choose to where eat and do with my life.
And I will not hold on to other peoples baggage. Whether it be fear of commitment to behave differently or making others feel crappy because we feel crappy. I don't want any of that energy with me and I will dig it out like a weed in my beautiful garden.
Life never gives you a journey without many lessons. Life's true discovery is living to be WHO WE ARE> whether its a little outspoken, shy, brave, loving, giving. If we find our self we can find people like us and with that we find people unlike us. Everyone is on their own point of their own journey and we must love them or leave them. We either hang with weights or wings in our lives and part of the puzzle is to figure who these people are because many times they come pack neatly within our family. Its always very gratifying to be the one breaking the vicious cycles of hate fueled by fear.
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