Stand up and Feel

I love love.  To the extent of seeing the good over all flaws.  Its a gift for those I encounter. I, however, fall hard for everyone and everything. I can't watch sappy movies or animals getting hurt. I can't see other photos of women on phones or messages to engage in relations without feeling something. I'm mushy, gooey and sensitive inside.
I met a friend from school and did some traveling with him. I told him I was not interested in a relationship and he pressed on anyways
I wasn't trying to feel anything. I wasn't trying to share. It just happened but we must be careful who we share, hug, fondle, and hold strong to. Especially if its not right for me.
Honor is the highest form for me and letting go, never easy.
There was lots of hugging but nothing further, my intention was to keep myself far from the chemical induction that is pheromone exchange.
I am always in this position of rejecting boyfriends or wrong friends. Never giving myself recognition for having high standards, always beating myself for rejecting others because I fear that same thing happening to me. For awhile I thought to myself that I was just running away but as I grow older I see that I was wise for leaving then and wiser now for see the patterns sooner. I pray I've finally come to the place where I can trust my instincts.
I knew that there was something fishing about his actions and behavior but some people have a way of turing things in their favor. That was the lesson. To see the snake and not get mesmerized by the colors and patterns of his skin.
For the first time standing up for myself is no longer scary, its just right. No need to get overly confident yet. Tomorrow dawns a new day. A day where he is stronger and more alert. Or he will play the wild card and act as if he does not care and it does not matter.
There's no denying the truth. The truth that some people will never be satisfied, not with you, not with  substances, not with someone else and most importantly not with themselves.
Its not my place to understand someone else's insecurities and its certainly not my place to fix them.
What a great space it is to be in, control. Of your OWN life.

Worldly Conditional Love

For a moment I was at a loss for words
I was watching a film that reminded me of my relationship with my mother
Then I went to Facebook and saw a video promoting a company I once wanted to work for
I feel feelings of aniexty and I'm trying to figure why
I start to feel sadness and I realize that the two role model "mother" figures that I looked up to have turned away from me due to money.
Money is just a source of energy. You can use it for good or you can use it for selfishness.
At least one of the women I looked up to that wasn't isn't hounding me, sadly she's not blood related.
But she still speaks and serves a different crowd..

The sadness comes from conditional love.
I don't believe in conditional love.
I wonder sometimes if I practice it.
I fight to disconnect from my negative roots and feel guilt when I do what's right for me.
I feel sadness when I can't be connected to people I once felt bonded with.
However, I can not stay connected to people that don't have the same belief system as me.
That value money over humanity.
So I guess I will never be rich, I won't be a part of the elite because I can't feel satisfaction from material gains.
I can be satisfied being responsible, and giving but it all back fires when I meet greed.
Greed greats me with its temping smile and kind words until I do not bend
Then truth comes out with sweet and savory words of denial
How can you preach one thing and practice another with a clean conscious
People do it, everyday

Celebrities sell us lies and poisonous foods
Actors pretend to be doctors to sell us addictive pharmaceuticals
Mothers tell us to get married to get taken care of
Everyone is out to try to sell our soul
And me
I just want to capture beautiful moments, wondrous spirits through the image of ART
I just want to be accepted for being silly, sober, and childish in a playful way
I just want to be me and be loved unconditionally

MY LIFE JOURNEY IS TO BE OUTSPOKEN

Life's journey is different for every person.
As a child I was very outspoken, that trait came and went; and for a good portion of my life I didn't do much speaking at all.
Someone would say something that offended me or hurt my feelings and I would hold on to it. Hold back what I wanted to say or expressing my feelings.
I would try and accomplish something that fell threw and I would hold on to it.
My journey is letting go.
Recently I have given up my apartment and all of my belongings.
I was planning to go to a festival in Utah and put my number up on a travel board for a ride.
The first reply was an older Iranian Gentleman. I started our conversation letting him know I'm not interested in hanging out with any expectations. He clarifies by asking if I mean sex and I say YES. He offered to help me in my move when he heard my story. Some people offer help only to serve their own agenda. He agenda was to cure loneliness.
He was little help to me trying to push us to leave for the gathering. So I used my voice and told him to go on his way. I had an entire 1 bedroom to pack up and try and sell for this journey and I couldn't let anyone get into my way. He was very cool about everything. In the two days he was with me he was very helpful. he took down my pole and bookcase but its the conversation that spoke a red flag.
He wanted to cuddle and get affection and I wasn't willing to share that side of myself with him. I said I wanted to be like a daughter and his cool calm demeanor quickly turned to one of panic.
If we take time to speak our truth we can find out who other people are quickly.
If we take time to listen to what people say we find out what their intention is.
We can not put the fear of rejection from a stranger above the love we have for ourselves.
There are several things that happened in this week of moving but I just got to settle and my body needed rest and food.

While I'm eating at the current place I stay (with a girlfriend in HB,CA)
I tell my friend I need food. She says she's not eating because of what she say in the mirror at old navy trying on clothes. I start to preach about how you can't starve yourself and loose weight. I told her I would feed myself just walk. She insisted that she take me to the store so I take the ride and thankfully end up feeding us both. When we come back to her house her dad and brother are here to help fix the computer. We are eating in the living room when her dad gets up and says "what are you girls doing? eating like a bunch of fat cows in here?"
I totally unload. Telling him that we are sustaining our bodies with food. That its necessary to eat and that saying that was rude and that's why women have complexes about what to eat, how to eat, and how much to eat. I finished by saying that I'd be happy to accept an apology whenever he is ready.
He never apologies. Instead sits quietly for the rest of the time here.
Once again I used my outspoken opinion to speak up for the both of us. I don't feel bad about my body, nor do I want to. I am happy. I am strong. I have a little belly and big hips and I wanted to be respected as a woman in this world regardless of what I choose to where eat and do with my life.
And I will not hold on to other peoples baggage. Whether it be fear of commitment to behave differently or making others feel crappy because we feel crappy. I don't want any of that energy with me and I will dig it out like a weed in my beautiful garden.

Life never gives you a journey without many lessons. Life's true discovery is living to be WHO WE ARE> whether its a little outspoken, shy, brave, loving, giving. If we find our self we can find people like us and with that we find people unlike us. Everyone is on their own point of their own journey and we must love them or leave them. We either hang with weights or wings in our lives and part of the puzzle is to figure who these people are because many times they come pack neatly within our family. Its always very gratifying to be the one breaking the vicious cycles of hate fueled by fear.

Unconditional love (a poem)

I sit and stir with a lump in my throat
Struggle for peace of mind in the worlds conditioning thoughts
Listen to my intuition
Trust the power to create my divinity
Breathe deeply to find solid ground, faith in self
There is a push that I pull
A pull that I push
A fight in my mind
Battle between old and new
Things that are not of me and my truth
I sift threw old memories
Push myself to heal, to feel
Feel feeling that are dark and recognize the light comes and goes
I am not a product of my environment
I am only me
I can't rely on my surrounding to fofill me
I must dig deeply to see myself in the darkness and the light
Liberated in both
To trust that one does not over power the other
Trust that the balance of both is what truly meets my needs
To know that even though I am pressured to be only light; it is the darkness that protects me, serves me, uphold my boundaries, and allows me to feel fully
To be wholesome is to embrace the light and the dark
Feel fully every emotion that flows through my veins
Built up in dirt- adversity builds character
Filled with light to empower and illuminate by looking in and projecting out
So at times I look a little gray but I find that those who love me when I'm a little dirty love me unconditionally and do not try and steal my light

Authentic

I will not be sorry for being real
Real
True
Meet conflict with solution
I am Authentic and show my colors of light and dark
I was created from dirt and at times I show that I am still dirty
I can not always be pure white light
Sometimes it feels right to be dark angry and righteous
It feels real to be sad and have moments of conflict stirred inside of me
I do not want to get rid of my darkness nor do I want to cover my light
I would rather blend the two together and be the perfect shade of gray
I have a shadow that I embrace, that I dance with in the light of day and by night my light shines to illuminate the darkness around me
Balance truth
and the truth is I am a balance of dark and light, night and day, anger and joy, sadness and happiness
I am real and I am not sorry for being human, animal, and spirit full
With love and light I embrace my dirt, my darkness

Faith

With one step in front of the other I walk in blind faith
I trust the future even when it looks bleak
I trust my heart and before my eyes my trust rewards me
Clearing my mind of harmful thought that contradict my future to build a positive life here in the present moment
I cheerlead myself to live in the moment
Focus on the good, the great, the wondrous
The small accomplishments when I only see failure
There is no failure unless you do not try at all
Believe in the abilities and the greatness that lives inside thy self

Motivation

True motivation pushes forward threw the gravitational pull of the quick sand that drags and pulls
My motivation is feedback. Its not money, its not material. Feedback
Feedback currently doesn't pay my bills but maybe someday I will have that luxury.
I like to dig up research on metaphysics, dream interpretation, and the truth about life.
The science fuels me.

Motivation is directly linked to interests, no matter how insane the world may think it is.
Motivation is a fire only stoked by me
Motivation can be temporarily smothered when my ego hears of material gain and when my introspection gets too intense
I often have to pull myself out of my head and place my feet back on the ground
I am always moving forward but my eyes and ears deceive me
It is only the quieting of the mind and the view of the soul that centers me
The truth of my heart that keeps me alive and well

Honor

Its an honor to be blessed with ideas and creativity to fight fear and find new ways to feel differently.
All from the comfort of my home; privacy, quiet, peaceful.
I am blessed with a mind that can make chooses, a body able to move freely.
So many years spent waiting for this moment of complete comfort and trust in myself and my abilities with out fear of it dissipating and if i let that thought slip in that 'it too may pass' I would not be in the confident zone.
My confidence does not currently come from fitness or superficial material objects or desires.
My confidence comes from within this place of gentleness and love.
The comfort that comes from knowing yourself and your needs and how to get your needs met alone.
Just the awareness alone gives me comfort, confidence, and self love.
I know my strengths and my weaknesses but more importantly how to strengthen my weaknesses.
Most importantly WHY.

As children, as students, employees, business owners; We all get told what to do and how to do it, or how others think it should be done. Without silence and isolation how are we to find our own thoughts amongst the static of other peoples opinions, thoughts, and ideals. How do we know what we feel if we do not allow ourselves to feel?

Why am I doing this. I want more. Not materially.
Emotionally, spiritually, sensually, communally.

Awareness

Redemption is the word I thought to myself with the tittle of my last post.
I am too hard on myself. I don't give myself enough credit.

I recently started to keep a food journal; only when asked of me, can I follow through.
Henry Ford said "whether you think you can or you can't- your right. "
I am gaining awareness of my feelings, moods, actions, sensations, coping mechanisms.
When you began to gain awareness light is shed on behaviors that do not serve a purpose.
Forgiveness to move on, is the next step.
I have this illusion that puberty is only once but the body changes many times throughout life.
Life itself have a flow, a pull, and tug on my emotions and desires.
A fog of influence blinds me with distractions of shiny flashing media with big explosions and loud sounds or gossip of friends and stars.
Why blindly waste my time in other peoples business to distract from hurt, pain, or responsibility that change and self discovery has to offer.
Self discovery is not nearly as long of a painful journey as distraction and confusion candy coated with instant gratification coupled with consequences that taste sweet going down with a bitter burn when it settles in my belly as I sleep with my decisions haunting my dreams and weighing heavy on my reality.
So I stay up late and continue to fight this ambitious nature of my soul trying to creep out of me and become inspired to inspire by momentum and movement. By racing the sun to who can shine in the day first. My spirit is enticing me to compete with the sun for the center of the earth as my brain and preprogramed thought process beats me into submission with thought of worthlessness and time wasting but what could be more backwards then wasting time outside the sentence itself negates.
So I type on to fight the good fight! The battle of my brain and the awareness to it trickery and bad habits that only make me feel worse and tear down my confidence and true self.

"Whether you think you can or can't- your right" Henry Ford

Protecting a hurt ego

I'm back in my kitchen writing.
ten months past and my apartment set just the way I want it minus the house, garage, and garden.
introspection is my game as I am serenated by metal music that my brother left behind in his rein of torment
Fueled by rage and resentment. The story of my life.
Here I sit in a battle with myself.
Fighting about how people should be, when I should throw in the towel
I have set up my fortress of protection 2000miles away and I still invite the enemy in, so that I might feel the chaos I once grew up in
Sorrow strikes as I think of the lost souls still marinating the illusions of their perception of reality
My reality sets in
I must flee the people supporting this fantasy land
this disillusion that everything is perfect in their little world
I say if my world doesn't exist then neither does yours
Slander my name and I forget that yours ever existed
Support the devil and receive the weight of his world

I can't not be interrupted
I need to prepare my future
Blind my peripheral so that I no longer get distracted by meaningless banter
Create a new story
Be a single entity
Love thy self

Bravery and Courage

I felt like an outcast as my giant size brother followed my down the street screaming obscenities.
It must be the way women felt as they were getting walked into the fires to get burned alive.
I had this fantasy that we would be partners in crime, share stories and experiences but he brought his hate and baggage with him.
A disrespectful attitude and a sailors mouth. Slandering and humiliating me each step  I took down the block.
My heart open; spit in, stepped on, thrown about. I pray for him.
Its all I can do. He's heart is broken too. Like a child without words he screams out for help in the form of vulgarity. I am humiliated by his carelessness. His inability to appreciate a new opportunity.
The lack of thought.
And we separate ourselves and walk in the direction from which we came. My walk is slower then his. More deliberate. Thoughtful. Thought provoking.
Sit. Stay. Be calm and breathe
Life is too short to live in hate and fear.

Confronting thyself

So many emotions, so little time to prefect the way in which we deal with them.

looking to expensive distractions, past the free interactions.

Sold. molded like perfect triangles to fit into concretely constructed squares

pondering why the fit doesn't feel right

not long enough to get past the discomfort and see the distortion, clouding dreams

every once in a while I'm reminded of where I came from. I move in the opposing direction of my current path to reconnect and reunite the fuzzy feeling of numbness that comes with the comfort of strong drink

I am an emotional toddler learning how to construct sentences with the right tone to articulate my feeling to result in a fluid adult conversation.

My comfort is in the feel of the smooth yellow covering of a number 2 pencil and the sound of led as it scratches and etches the words I may or may not ever speak with my lips.

Just newly getting aquatinted with the sound of my own voice and the soft features of my youthful face.

confronting myself daily

Reality

Fear.
I eat threw it or run from it.
I don't run nearly enough.
I wish I thought of it more in the emotionally rewarding way then the result of getting thinner.
Lighter. Not as bloated.
Blown out like a ballon when all I need is to let out some air.
Fear is the cork I put in my throat to shut my expression down.
Stifling my vulnerability so that I can appear strong enough to hold others up.
At least I'm not staying down anymore.
I lived in a world of lethargic embodiment.
A safe place that no one bothered to look.
Hidden from the ability to respond to people that may judge or ask something of me.
Now I am in the open, arms out, inviting the world into my arms for a loving embrace.
Throwing away fear of someone coming at me sideways.
Standing out, fearless in light of my intuition.
Making a dance of works and brush strokes and thoughts to internet paper.
Speechless to the idea that I might end up talking to much about nothing at all.
Tired of being slave to food that heighten my dopamine and lower my energy.
Things that keep me a slave to cycles that are not serving me.
That hinder my freedom to live within the imaginary lines of childlike dreams that are still very much alive.

Solitude- Soul Food

Reflection is like watching a flower bloom. It always happens when your not looking. You just wake up one morning and see the flower in full bloom. Your one with the process. You water and feed yourself the right things and one day you wake up in full bloom. Life is just a process of new and old habits growing and dying. Or if it was that way, we couldn't possibly get bored or stagnant. We would always have something to look forward to. There are seasons to life. Seasons to be fruitful, seasons to relax. These seasons happen threw the year, month, week, sometimes day. seasons to moods, attitudes, fads, fashion. Everything must have a beginning and an end.

I like to write alone.
In peace, and solitude.
Recently I've been reflecting in a new fleshy mirror that has me face to face.
My ideas come in triangles. They get tangled up in one another instead of flowing and folding together, securing my center with every knead. I am confused but aware of my confusion. Now only left to find myself at a decision or discovery of my needs. Gentle loving folds of characteristics, traits, ideals, people, love.
Finally secure enough to be uncensored; as open an wound is uncovered, still sore and tender. Will it always be. What will come of me.

Inspired to express and fueled to stack up the energy to make dreams come true.
With my eyes wide open I can turn to what's right and turn from temptation.
Temptation keeps telling me NO and my tension resembles that of a taught rubber band waiting to fly across the room and burst threw the wall.
That is my force of will. Where there is will; there is wall. Where there is willingness there is a way.
I miss yoga..

There is this soulful obligation to use my huge heart to heal others instead of self. I heal self when around others but sometimes still fall for the influence. Strength is what I need. Strength to lead, to be the influence. I've seen my influence, negatively and positively. Discovering the wiring in my pretty little head. The way people think is funny. The way I think about how we think is bold. To bold for words but as simple as bending over backwards to please.

We mold and fold and still don't manage to get what we want. I guess its time to stand up straight and wait patiently to share our words, our passion, our hearts desire. If our words are not heard walk to another peak of this giant mountain of a world and see if our words echo in another ear. Until that day that we find ourselves and we are their to answer and take care of our own needs will we be blessed with the presence of others that can stand on two feet and not just lie down and take a trampling.

Falling is fine if you get back up, its lying down I can't stand.
Its dragging the lifeless that frustrates me. It drains and drags. Hangs and lingers. Slow moving, time wasting.  Follow, lead, or get out of the way. The day is young. The nights are long and I am well balanced on two feet and ready to explore my possibilities. Spread the word.

I have one leg out of the gooey muck that are my hindering habits and the other stuck in the wanderlust of instant gratification. As I drag my leg with me I still manage to look and even move forward. Perhaps its time to stop and clean my leg off before I go any further. Take a good look at what it is that I want and what it is that's holding me back preventing me from cleaning myself up and moving forward fully without restraint.

Confession of my head in the clouds.

I've been indulging this week. In instantly gradifying endorphin inducing behaviors. My mid section has been paying for this brain high I am on. And I know I shouldn't but I am in a little anticipation of what is to come next. I have been uncomfortably gasy and not feeling particularly sexy which is never a good thing. I have been working and writing.. researching and investing. Productive in every since lit by the fuel of candies and beer. Bloated from my lovely monthly but too motivated by outside factors to give a damn.

My mind is high on ideas, sugar, emotional rushes. Mmmm February.

Looking for some solid shit in my life!

In all seriousness, I mean this literally.
I'm going to be bold and unedited in these post.
That's the point of this exposure in thought.
Is to defeat this beast in my mind.
Late last night after my first blog I successfully avoid eating junk food by feeding myself a very healthy salad with spinach tomatoes and zucchini all raw in a giant bowl. I thought if I am going to stuff myself it may as well be on healthy ingredients.
After I indulged in goodness, the battle begins. I watch a movie and then start to read for an article I am writing then go back to reading trying to cram information so that I can meet my personal deadline since so many things in the past two weeks have jumped in my way of completing the project. My mind was taunting and sneering that my expectations were to high to achieve. So I distract myself. Another habit I am kicking.

So I am reading this book and I start hearing moaning and groaning in half hour segments and then chatter about what had happened and in between one session I even hear a male voice say "I'm not weird." Now I really want to know what's going on upstairs. But since I'm freshly waxed I can't do anything personal about this, and my monthly is coming. Hormones and chemicals shooting from my loins to my brain urge me to get some chocolate all the oranges in the world can't cure this craving. I tried to fight it off and in the end I was defeated by circumstance and a moment of weakness. The story of my life. But not for long.I am tracking these habits and most importantly the aftermath.

This morning I woke up with a gut rot tummy ache, icky breathe, constipation, and later in the morning diriah. good thing i can't spell. it almost make it easier to deal with. But I'm after Truth. I'm after a life with solid shit! With a little bowel regularity! Is that so much to ask?!? I'm tired of feeling bloated and fat. I can't wait to make some delicious vegan recipes and learn to love cooking and preparing my food. I am joyous about the idea of loving all the processes of life. So today I start with water and battle off the Idea of coffee, but promise either way to write the truth about what I do intake and how it effects me. Food is just the beginning. Life is much more then food and with the right ingredients you can learn to enjoy everything.

The battle with food begins!

Random thoughts cycle through my head lately. I'm I working to hard? Is it time to play? I'm a hardly working at all? Repeat, Recycle, repeat.

I'm trying a new method. Create, rinse, Repeat. What the hell does that even mean? I catch my self pondering this to often. But I'm honestly tired of these bad habits. These glitches in my behavior to rid themselves or be release at an appropriate time, if nothing else.

Eating Habits
Expectations
Standards

Maybe its just my age as I get older and seek wisdom for peace and happiness in my life so that I can sleep the whole night threw with confidence in myself to know my flow with the waves life throws at us.

Eating is my number one tangible thing I would like to tackle. The one thing that I can control and the one thing I have the strongest emotional connection to. My current brain backup storage is in repeat, recycle, repeat. "your not working hard enough, you spend to much on yourself, your lazy"
All lies! I recently gave up my car to stand behind one of my standards and expectations. I believe in Knowledge and change but with out application it means nothing and without support its impossible. So here I am supporting myself publicly in hopes to concur these habitual beasts, these terrorizing thought, these ideas that I'm starting to weed out of my head.
My little brain is a garden and I can plant and prune anything I don't like.
Focusing on the good and continuing to think of strong ideas creates an open imagination, a bundle of flowers.

So I have Vegan Ideas. Not for animal rights so much as a selfish idea of eating pure and being naked in a field of flowers, vegetables, and herbs. My stomach is also much happier when I am eating clean. I feel light and energetic, the only bump in the road is my mind.
The brain has a premixed cocktail of how it operates without conscious awareness.
I am not use to cooking so much. I did not grow up in a house that cooked fresh made meals although my grandmothers were always in their garden so I am familiar with the delicious taste of fresh food off the vine and the matenience that it requires to tend the garden. I haven't practiced it through out my life and now i have to relearn and gain access to dirt in southern California. which if you have been here is nearly impossible.

I live in humble little long beach so it isn't impossible but training myself out of my lazy habits of writing and ordering pizza to walking 2miles to get grocery or taking the bus for $3 (I'm cheap stubborn) or worst case sernario which I will be completely honest about, corner store micro wave pizzas and junk food like chips and candy. Its been bad but I'm throwing myself under the bus. Looking for solutions. hoping to change and be honest and get threw this process to see the other side.
I often forget that there is a primal side that kicks in. My monthly is coming and I am a salt and chocolate monster. not to mention the weather has been gloomier that usual and a bit chilly. So I was thinking of the craving attached to the primal thought of survival. Packing on weight to keep warm is really a no brainer its in our DNA to keep warmer during the winter if our mind is constantly in survival mode. What kind of thoughts do you think to keep your mind out of that mode or do you accomidate your brain in another way a healthier way? Perhaps something without food at all.