Honor

Its an honor to be blessed with ideas and creativity to fight fear and find new ways to feel differently.
All from the comfort of my home; privacy, quiet, peaceful.
I am blessed with a mind that can make chooses, a body able to move freely.
So many years spent waiting for this moment of complete comfort and trust in myself and my abilities with out fear of it dissipating and if i let that thought slip in that 'it too may pass' I would not be in the confident zone.
My confidence does not currently come from fitness or superficial material objects or desires.
My confidence comes from within this place of gentleness and love.
The comfort that comes from knowing yourself and your needs and how to get your needs met alone.
Just the awareness alone gives me comfort, confidence, and self love.
I know my strengths and my weaknesses but more importantly how to strengthen my weaknesses.
Most importantly WHY.

As children, as students, employees, business owners; We all get told what to do and how to do it, or how others think it should be done. Without silence and isolation how are we to find our own thoughts amongst the static of other peoples opinions, thoughts, and ideals. How do we know what we feel if we do not allow ourselves to feel?

Why am I doing this. I want more. Not materially.
Emotionally, spiritually, sensually, communally.

Awareness

Redemption is the word I thought to myself with the tittle of my last post.
I am too hard on myself. I don't give myself enough credit.

I recently started to keep a food journal; only when asked of me, can I follow through.
Henry Ford said "whether you think you can or you can't- your right. "
I am gaining awareness of my feelings, moods, actions, sensations, coping mechanisms.
When you began to gain awareness light is shed on behaviors that do not serve a purpose.
Forgiveness to move on, is the next step.
I have this illusion that puberty is only once but the body changes many times throughout life.
Life itself have a flow, a pull, and tug on my emotions and desires.
A fog of influence blinds me with distractions of shiny flashing media with big explosions and loud sounds or gossip of friends and stars.
Why blindly waste my time in other peoples business to distract from hurt, pain, or responsibility that change and self discovery has to offer.
Self discovery is not nearly as long of a painful journey as distraction and confusion candy coated with instant gratification coupled with consequences that taste sweet going down with a bitter burn when it settles in my belly as I sleep with my decisions haunting my dreams and weighing heavy on my reality.
So I stay up late and continue to fight this ambitious nature of my soul trying to creep out of me and become inspired to inspire by momentum and movement. By racing the sun to who can shine in the day first. My spirit is enticing me to compete with the sun for the center of the earth as my brain and preprogramed thought process beats me into submission with thought of worthlessness and time wasting but what could be more backwards then wasting time outside the sentence itself negates.
So I type on to fight the good fight! The battle of my brain and the awareness to it trickery and bad habits that only make me feel worse and tear down my confidence and true self.

"Whether you think you can or can't- your right" Henry Ford

Protecting a hurt ego

I'm back in my kitchen writing.
ten months past and my apartment set just the way I want it minus the house, garage, and garden.
introspection is my game as I am serenated by metal music that my brother left behind in his rein of torment
Fueled by rage and resentment. The story of my life.
Here I sit in a battle with myself.
Fighting about how people should be, when I should throw in the towel
I have set up my fortress of protection 2000miles away and I still invite the enemy in, so that I might feel the chaos I once grew up in
Sorrow strikes as I think of the lost souls still marinating the illusions of their perception of reality
My reality sets in
I must flee the people supporting this fantasy land
this disillusion that everything is perfect in their little world
I say if my world doesn't exist then neither does yours
Slander my name and I forget that yours ever existed
Support the devil and receive the weight of his world

I can't not be interrupted
I need to prepare my future
Blind my peripheral so that I no longer get distracted by meaningless banter
Create a new story
Be a single entity
Love thy self

Bravery and Courage

I felt like an outcast as my giant size brother followed my down the street screaming obscenities.
It must be the way women felt as they were getting walked into the fires to get burned alive.
I had this fantasy that we would be partners in crime, share stories and experiences but he brought his hate and baggage with him.
A disrespectful attitude and a sailors mouth. Slandering and humiliating me each step  I took down the block.
My heart open; spit in, stepped on, thrown about. I pray for him.
Its all I can do. He's heart is broken too. Like a child without words he screams out for help in the form of vulgarity. I am humiliated by his carelessness. His inability to appreciate a new opportunity.
The lack of thought.
And we separate ourselves and walk in the direction from which we came. My walk is slower then his. More deliberate. Thoughtful. Thought provoking.
Sit. Stay. Be calm and breathe
Life is too short to live in hate and fear.

Confronting thyself

So many emotions, so little time to prefect the way in which we deal with them.

looking to expensive distractions, past the free interactions.

Sold. molded like perfect triangles to fit into concretely constructed squares

pondering why the fit doesn't feel right

not long enough to get past the discomfort and see the distortion, clouding dreams

every once in a while I'm reminded of where I came from. I move in the opposing direction of my current path to reconnect and reunite the fuzzy feeling of numbness that comes with the comfort of strong drink

I am an emotional toddler learning how to construct sentences with the right tone to articulate my feeling to result in a fluid adult conversation.

My comfort is in the feel of the smooth yellow covering of a number 2 pencil and the sound of led as it scratches and etches the words I may or may not ever speak with my lips.

Just newly getting aquatinted with the sound of my own voice and the soft features of my youthful face.

confronting myself daily