map

Guide me to the top of the mountains

throw me off 

Free fall

reminiscing curt opinions 

I was never good enough

never fast enough

never young enough

too smooth

too easy

you need a road frequently traveled

I am the road less traveled

My lane is tight 

My road is a dark forest 

Filled with mysterious creatures and fantastic beauties

X marks the spot

Ego heard me loud and clear
Now he is no longer near
Inflated
related was the message sent
So dense

I'm feeding the animal at the zoo
he does not know there is nothing new
He scurries off into the night
to sleep and dream ever so light
She's laying next to him ever so tight
or is she when he's texting me

For one moment
One single second
I read his words
and thought to myself
nothing
no envy
no sadness
no things

Stew for you

I stew for you
I pine for your arms
The beat of your heart against the back of my chest
The embrace of your love flowing fluidly
The enchantment of your voice whispering loving words

Your like the wind
I can feel you when you're not around
Loving vibrations connect us
yours muddled with insecurity
I'll never be sure, if you'll ever be clear

Once upon a time I loved you, while you loved everyone else
Twice upon a time I left to love myself
Three times I fall in love madly
no longer deluted with your influenced perception

I stew for you
everything I ever wanted was in your eyes

LIFE

First you must realize you were born into a vehicle
then you must realize this vehicle is perfect as it is
Then you must understand how the vehicle works at its best
then you must drive the vehicle
but what drives the vehicle?

And now your drive begins
your welcome

proverb

You will never win when you compete with losers

Depression

Its like a swamp.
Swimming in a sea of your own emotional shit

accusation
manipulation
Bending and folding the true

only hearing a total distortion of lies

Not good enoughs

Not this or that enoughs

Can't just be enough

Feeling lonely

So thirsty you drink the poison

People pleaser

Thats who I am
I'm the girl
 that stops eating lunch to show someone around in a building a work in
that stays up late to come pick you up from the airport even when I have to wake up early
that rushes over to comfort her friend while she puts her longest dog friend down
That coordinates the new fridge in the rain when yours explodes
that hand menus out for the establishment she works for on her down time
that works for free for people she respects

But what if I don't want to be me
What if I've started to loath this person
Do I really need her around
What if I want to take my cape off and just be a no body

What if universe won't let you be anything that your not
and how does one find out
Perhaps perhaps perhaps
Our authenticity is the only truth there is

Sounds like poetry

I don't trust you and never will

your a dog

you flirt with everything

I don't deserve a broken heart. 

I haven't done anything wrong

and If I come up there I will probably kill myself.

When I lost you I lost hope in living. 

I don't think you will ever understand that.

I thought I was safe with you

I thought I could be myself and I was safe

But it was you that killed me

You murdered me and brought me back to life to kill me over and over again

Every text you send another girl

every time you flirt

I can't live my life knowing that you will always have two phones

I don't like you.

I love you but I love a lot of toxic people 

Thats what I do

Who cares

I'm writing what no one is reading

The truth
Ignoring is bliss
Painting reality
False words and images
No change
No challenge
Only comforts and complacency

Passive aggressive poetry

We live in this world of screen connections
using other peoples words
not noticing our actions
Actions speak volumes unless your face is stuck in your phone
How will you notice the world around you when your busy connecting with people that want to be

How can you be when you live in the state of desire.
We live in the land of the mobile cubicles and wonder why no one understands us

Homelessness

I lost my apartment recently. It was my own fault. I couldn't emotionally handle a big lose so I cried about it for two months instead of being proactive. I had every negative voice in my head telling me I was stupid and that I couldn't do this on my own. I am not an alcoholic or a hard drug user. I love to smoke pot but today I can not. Not because I am incapable but today I can't stop crying and for the first time in a long time I don't want to stop cry. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do this alone. I want someone to talk to who doesn't judge me. 

I live in a world of judgement. If its not someone wondering why I am in this situation, its myself. Its negative self talk that's a problem. You can only reach out so much and as much as I don't want to believe we are alone. I am. I reached out to my ex. He still has two phones. He will always be an ex.

Unfortunetly he will always be a liar and a cheater too. But because people are manipulative they tend to come around only in misfortune, to appear that they are there to help. I have to open my eyes to reality. Its the hardest pill to swallow. I want to give up so bad.

I don't know if I can go threw another disappointment in this life. I've lost everything. It was toxic anyways. But I am beginning to wonder what isn't.

So every morning I wake up in my car. and if its not raining I can wipe the windows so I can see to drive and drive with the windows down so the front windshield can defrost. I'm tired of hearing about petting problems. I worry that the homeless without a car that I see in the street will be me soon. 

I worry that someone will see me crying at work today when that's what I really need for myself. 

And as I sit outside writing this I see that it may be a busy day on top of everything. I guess I can thank God for distraction...