Reality

Fear.
I eat threw it or run from it.
I don't run nearly enough.
I wish I thought of it more in the emotionally rewarding way then the result of getting thinner.
Lighter. Not as bloated.
Blown out like a ballon when all I need is to let out some air.
Fear is the cork I put in my throat to shut my expression down.
Stifling my vulnerability so that I can appear strong enough to hold others up.
At least I'm not staying down anymore.
I lived in a world of lethargic embodiment.
A safe place that no one bothered to look.
Hidden from the ability to respond to people that may judge or ask something of me.
Now I am in the open, arms out, inviting the world into my arms for a loving embrace.
Throwing away fear of someone coming at me sideways.
Standing out, fearless in light of my intuition.
Making a dance of works and brush strokes and thoughts to internet paper.
Speechless to the idea that I might end up talking to much about nothing at all.
Tired of being slave to food that heighten my dopamine and lower my energy.
Things that keep me a slave to cycles that are not serving me.
That hinder my freedom to live within the imaginary lines of childlike dreams that are still very much alive.

Solitude- Soul Food

Reflection is like watching a flower bloom. It always happens when your not looking. You just wake up one morning and see the flower in full bloom. Your one with the process. You water and feed yourself the right things and one day you wake up in full bloom. Life is just a process of new and old habits growing and dying. Or if it was that way, we couldn't possibly get bored or stagnant. We would always have something to look forward to. There are seasons to life. Seasons to be fruitful, seasons to relax. These seasons happen threw the year, month, week, sometimes day. seasons to moods, attitudes, fads, fashion. Everything must have a beginning and an end.

I like to write alone.
In peace, and solitude.
Recently I've been reflecting in a new fleshy mirror that has me face to face.
My ideas come in triangles. They get tangled up in one another instead of flowing and folding together, securing my center with every knead. I am confused but aware of my confusion. Now only left to find myself at a decision or discovery of my needs. Gentle loving folds of characteristics, traits, ideals, people, love.
Finally secure enough to be uncensored; as open an wound is uncovered, still sore and tender. Will it always be. What will come of me.

Inspired to express and fueled to stack up the energy to make dreams come true.
With my eyes wide open I can turn to what's right and turn from temptation.
Temptation keeps telling me NO and my tension resembles that of a taught rubber band waiting to fly across the room and burst threw the wall.
That is my force of will. Where there is will; there is wall. Where there is willingness there is a way.
I miss yoga..

There is this soulful obligation to use my huge heart to heal others instead of self. I heal self when around others but sometimes still fall for the influence. Strength is what I need. Strength to lead, to be the influence. I've seen my influence, negatively and positively. Discovering the wiring in my pretty little head. The way people think is funny. The way I think about how we think is bold. To bold for words but as simple as bending over backwards to please.

We mold and fold and still don't manage to get what we want. I guess its time to stand up straight and wait patiently to share our words, our passion, our hearts desire. If our words are not heard walk to another peak of this giant mountain of a world and see if our words echo in another ear. Until that day that we find ourselves and we are their to answer and take care of our own needs will we be blessed with the presence of others that can stand on two feet and not just lie down and take a trampling.

Falling is fine if you get back up, its lying down I can't stand.
Its dragging the lifeless that frustrates me. It drains and drags. Hangs and lingers. Slow moving, time wasting.  Follow, lead, or get out of the way. The day is young. The nights are long and I am well balanced on two feet and ready to explore my possibilities. Spread the word.

I have one leg out of the gooey muck that are my hindering habits and the other stuck in the wanderlust of instant gratification. As I drag my leg with me I still manage to look and even move forward. Perhaps its time to stop and clean my leg off before I go any further. Take a good look at what it is that I want and what it is that's holding me back preventing me from cleaning myself up and moving forward fully without restraint.

Confession of my head in the clouds.

I've been indulging this week. In instantly gradifying endorphin inducing behaviors. My mid section has been paying for this brain high I am on. And I know I shouldn't but I am in a little anticipation of what is to come next. I have been uncomfortably gasy and not feeling particularly sexy which is never a good thing. I have been working and writing.. researching and investing. Productive in every since lit by the fuel of candies and beer. Bloated from my lovely monthly but too motivated by outside factors to give a damn.

My mind is high on ideas, sugar, emotional rushes. Mmmm February.

Looking for some solid shit in my life!

In all seriousness, I mean this literally.
I'm going to be bold and unedited in these post.
That's the point of this exposure in thought.
Is to defeat this beast in my mind.
Late last night after my first blog I successfully avoid eating junk food by feeding myself a very healthy salad with spinach tomatoes and zucchini all raw in a giant bowl. I thought if I am going to stuff myself it may as well be on healthy ingredients.
After I indulged in goodness, the battle begins. I watch a movie and then start to read for an article I am writing then go back to reading trying to cram information so that I can meet my personal deadline since so many things in the past two weeks have jumped in my way of completing the project. My mind was taunting and sneering that my expectations were to high to achieve. So I distract myself. Another habit I am kicking.

So I am reading this book and I start hearing moaning and groaning in half hour segments and then chatter about what had happened and in between one session I even hear a male voice say "I'm not weird." Now I really want to know what's going on upstairs. But since I'm freshly waxed I can't do anything personal about this, and my monthly is coming. Hormones and chemicals shooting from my loins to my brain urge me to get some chocolate all the oranges in the world can't cure this craving. I tried to fight it off and in the end I was defeated by circumstance and a moment of weakness. The story of my life. But not for long.I am tracking these habits and most importantly the aftermath.

This morning I woke up with a gut rot tummy ache, icky breathe, constipation, and later in the morning diriah. good thing i can't spell. it almost make it easier to deal with. But I'm after Truth. I'm after a life with solid shit! With a little bowel regularity! Is that so much to ask?!? I'm tired of feeling bloated and fat. I can't wait to make some delicious vegan recipes and learn to love cooking and preparing my food. I am joyous about the idea of loving all the processes of life. So today I start with water and battle off the Idea of coffee, but promise either way to write the truth about what I do intake and how it effects me. Food is just the beginning. Life is much more then food and with the right ingredients you can learn to enjoy everything.