Homelessness

I lost my apartment recently. It was my own fault. I couldn't emotionally handle a big lose so I cried about it for two months instead of being proactive. I had every negative voice in my head telling me I was stupid and that I couldn't do this on my own. I am not an alcoholic or a hard drug user. I love to smoke pot but today I can not. Not because I am incapable but today I can't stop crying and for the first time in a long time I don't want to stop cry. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do this alone. I want someone to talk to who doesn't judge me. 

I live in a world of judgement. If its not someone wondering why I am in this situation, its myself. Its negative self talk that's a problem. You can only reach out so much and as much as I don't want to believe we are alone. I am. I reached out to my ex. He still has two phones. He will always be an ex.

Unfortunetly he will always be a liar and a cheater too. But because people are manipulative they tend to come around only in misfortune, to appear that they are there to help. I have to open my eyes to reality. Its the hardest pill to swallow. I want to give up so bad.

I don't know if I can go threw another disappointment in this life. I've lost everything. It was toxic anyways. But I am beginning to wonder what isn't.

So every morning I wake up in my car. and if its not raining I can wipe the windows so I can see to drive and drive with the windows down so the front windshield can defrost. I'm tired of hearing about petting problems. I worry that the homeless without a car that I see in the street will be me soon. 

I worry that someone will see me crying at work today when that's what I really need for myself. 

And as I sit outside writing this I see that it may be a busy day on top of everything. I guess I can thank God for distraction...